Thursday, April 29, 2010
Seven Things I Learned From Roger Ebert’s Sex Pistols Script
“This, for the benefit of future rock historians, is the transcript of a screenplay I wrote in the summer of 1977. It was tailored for the historic punk rock band the Sex Pistols…I wrote about this adventure in my blog entry McLaren & Meyer & Rotten & Vicious & me… All I intend to do here is reprint it. Comments are open, but I can't discuss what I wrote, why I wrote it, or what I should or shouldn't have written. Frankly, I have no idea.”
Curiosity got the best of me and I read the whole thing…I don’t recommend you do the same. As such, here is a list of things I learned from Roger Ebert’s “Who Killed Bambi,” complete with excerpts from the screenplay…typos and all. Enjoy!
1. Ebert has a hilariously stereotypical view of the British:
we see - A blind beggar with a cup, playing a concertina; two Cockneys running a shell game; a man on a unicycle; people plying such out-dated implements as hula-hoops, paddle-balls and yo-yo's; an artist who must continually move his easel as the line inches forward; dogs chasing cats; old ladies - one with a parrot; an assortment of hookers; a Pakistani family; a chestnut vendor; an exhibitionist, who flashes for the benefit of a phalanx of Japanese tourists; a weight-lifter; kids on roller skates, and others on skate-boards; a motorcycle gang; Teddy boys; men in bowler hats; Butch lesbians; an old judge in a powdered wig - and even a sandwich man, whose sign reads: "Repent for the end is at hand."
2. Ebert considers fucking a hooker, making love! He also likes big jugs…
INT. A SOHO BROTHEL
Steve Jones makes love to a buxom hooker in a randy bedroom.
3. Johnny Rotten apparently drank his beer out of a glass:
They settle down, disgusted. Johnny Rotten opens a beer and pours it out into a glass. Steve appears in the Green Room after his announcement to the crowd.
…that doesn’t seem very punk rock...
4. Sid Vicious was literally a motherfucker?!?!?
Effortlessly, Sid Vicious pushes his mother back on the bed and moves to cover her with half his body. He kisses her on the neck and lips.
I told you - he's at the pub with his mates, getting sloshed.
But he doesn't have the money to get sloshed, Sid - he'll be back!
Come on, mum. Give us a kiss.
She does. And then she puts her free arm around him, and they begin the preliminaries of love making. It should be clear by now that this is not the first time such a scene has taken place between them. They continue: Their passion grows. She tousles his hair. He unbuttons her blouse and caresses the breast, free and bra-less, he finds beneath it. The urgency builds. From time to time, they speak:
That's it, mum. That's it...
That feels good, Sid... don't stop...
Photography is framed to protect the rating, but implies that they now begin to actually make love. The CAMERA FRAMES their faces and upper torsos, to restrict the graphic degree of the scene, but the audience will have little doubt what is happening.
…Seriously?!?! He’s worried about “protect[ing] the rating” at this point?
5. Two couples having sex simultaneously is NOT group sex:
There are two mattresses on the floor - not side by side, but separated by various items of equipment and by Paul Cook's drums. On one mattress, we discover Steve Jones with the Stripper from the El Paradise - Steve has obviously followed up on the unorthodox introduction. On the other mattress, half in view, half out of the first one, are Paul Cook and Sue Catwoman. And what we'll have here are two simultaneous sex scenes, both intercut and seen with one in the f.g., the other in b.g. It is not meant to be group sex, per se - but simply the band members and their girls taking advantage of one of the few private spaces available.
6. Ebert apparently has in-depth fantasies about Sherlock Holmes:
He is dressed as Sherlock Holmes might dress for a contemplative evening at home: A flowing combination of robe and smoking-jacket; velvet pants; slippers, and a Holmesian pipe.
7. Ebert really enjoys pirate metaphors:
O's hands plunder M.J.'s pants for the treasure within…And now she opens her blouse all the way and buries his face in her treasures, meanwhile continuing to plunder below.
Anyway, to figure out what the title means, you need to read the script right through to the end. Hint: it involves a little girl’s revenge on a rockstar named “M.J.” who kills a deer on a hunting expedition…it has NOTHING to do with the Sex Pistols. If I’ve managed to pique your interest, I’ve included the link to the screenplay below; just remember, some things you can’t unread.